Elf on the Shelf Rant

It’s time for the yearly Elf bashing.  

Let me start by saying this…if Elf on the Shelf truly gives you joy in your heart.  If you find no greater pleasure than hiding your Elf all over the house and in ridiculous situations.  If nothing makes you more giddy and genuinely excited than pulling your Elf out of his year-long hiding spot.  If you can say, in all honesty, hand to God, that you bear absolutely no ill will to the Elf..then you might not want to read this.  It will rain on your parade.  Instead, go and read my post about tween lockers and make a mental note never to partake in that insanity.

However, if you get a sick feeling in your stomach when you start to see advertisements for Elf on the Shelf.  If you have considered donating him to Goodwill and lying to your kids about why he hasn’t appeared this year.  If you walk by the Hallmark store at the mall with your children and quickly divert them into Hot Topic rather than let them see the Elf on the Shelf display.  If in past years you have tossed Elf across the living room seconds before your children wake up.  If you have ever cursed his name as you are trying to find an original hiding spot in your kitchen/living room/bathroom for the 22nd day in a row.  If you post pics of your Elf but secretly hate his guts…then read on.

You know what makes me want to punch myself in the side of the head?  Elf on the Shelf.  Somehow this whimsical little tradition has turned into some sort of sick Elf Olympics where parents stay up into the wee hours positioning their Elf in more and more zany circumstances.  All for a good chuckle before the kids are bustled off to school.  Is it really worth it?  Last week my 10 year old asked if Elf really moved around at night or if we did it.  We asked why he was questioning it and his response was “well, he’s just a doll…and he’s kinda creepy looking”.  You’re right, dear one, he IS creepy looking.

There is enough seasonal stress with decorating, gift buying, cookie baking, filling tiny Advent boxes and passive-aggressive battle of wills over whether or not you will open presents at home, grandparents, other grandparents or a ski resort.  Why do we have to add this tradition that requires Pinterst worthy photos that isn’t really even a well known tradition to the mix?  Some parents use the Elf as an excuse to keep their kids in line.  “You better be good…the Elf is watching”.  I’ll admit, I’ve used that tactic in times of desperation.  Whatever happened to just plain old “Santa is watching?” He doesn’t carry enough clout any more?  He’s too lazy to do his own good behavior/bad behavior spying?  Even better, why not make kids feel super guilty about bad behavior will a well played “You just made baby Jesus cry” card.  

Guess what I saw today?  Elf on the Shelf accessories.  Meet Elf’s accomplice, his pet reindeer.  He has a grim look in his eye because he knows he is just another pawn in the commercialization of Christmas.

“Comes with a book which tells the story of how reindeer use Christmas magic to help Santa’s sleigh fly on Christmas Eve”

For $26.95 you can bring a pet into the mix and answer that age old question…just how do Santa’s reindeer pull the sleigh?  Oh wait, we’ve known the answer to that question for generations.  Magic.  The answer is magic if anyone asks.  Don’t over complicate this, people.  How in the hell else would 12 tiny reindeer pull a sleigh weighed down with a 300 pound guy who eats cookies for breakfast, lunch and dinner along with presents for 6 billion people in one night?   Are you kidding me with this? 

In case that wasn’t enough there is this.  

Couture for Elf.  This is actually call Clause Couture Collection.  COUTURE.  He shops on the 4th floor of Neiman Marcus now?  I’m just not sure what to say about this.

In case you need a fix of silly Elf situations and a reminder of what NOT to do, or if you’re looking for new ways in which to torture yourself every night this December…check out my posts from Elf on the Shelf Insanity 2013 and Elf on the Shelf Crazy 2012