Elf on the Shelf Fail

On the eve of Advent our elf made his annual appearance.  But not before I nearly broke my neck and cursed his name trying to get him out of his year long hiding spot.  We have some pretty high shelves in our bedroom closet and I was certain he was hiding somewhere up there.  It was late and I was in my jammies so I was determined to do this without getting the big ladder out of the garage.  There I am, perched on the shelves, hanging on to the clothing rack for dear life with one hand while the other hand frantically searches on a shelf (that is still over my head) among hidden presents, dust and Halloween costume hats.  Just as I slip on a dry cleaning bag I find him, fling him to the ground and call him a SOB and question what in the hell I’m doing this for.  Meanwhile the evil creators of Elf on the Shelf are laughing all the way to the bank.

We did a little refresher course and read the book with the boys to remind us all of the rules.  Mainly, DON’T TOUCH.  Day one went off with out a hitch.

Day two, December 2nd, I wake up with a jolt.  We forgot to move the damn elf!  Unfortunately for me Addison is an early riser and already discovered that our elf had not moved from his first spot.  He’s been here for only one day and we already have an elf fail.  Addison immediately points out that he hasn’t moved and I’m sure is questioning the magic of Christmas.  Next will come the questions about Santa, then peace on earth and before you know it we’re all going hell in a hand basket.  Great, I’ve ruined Christmas.  Thanks a lot elf.  On our way out the door for church that morning I make a game time decision…move the elf as the boys are getting in the car and continue this charade.

Have you seen the insane pictures from people who put their elf in ridiculous situations?  When did this madness start?  Are people seriously going to all this trouble every single night just so their kids can have about 30 seconds of hilarity and a silly Facebook post?  No thank you.  These shenanigans only mean one thing to me: a mess that I have to clean up.  Every.  Single.  Day.  I’ve already got enough clutter and mess in my house not to mention the decorating, shopping, Christmas activities, baking, etc.  I don’t need some crazy-ass elf creating more work for me.

But people eat this stuff up.  Just check Pinterest.  There about ten thousand pins of elfs making snow angels in flour on the kitchen floor, fishing in the toilet, making out with Barbie.  It goes on and on.  Check it out…

Seriously?  Are you telling me that someone made a tiny construction paper chain just so their elf can have his own advent calendar?  How long did that take?  That’s ridiculous.

This person made their elf have some fun with sugar.  Obviously this is taking place on the floor.  So what, your family is supposed to walk around this all day?  Guess what mom, it’s 10:00 p.m. and you have to get the vacuum out to clean up the mess that YOU made.

What the what? How are you supposed to go to the bathroom?  I thought the whole point of elf was NOT to touch him.  I guess you’re going to drip dry all day.

You’ve got to be joking.  It took two days to get the tree up and decorated and this little terd has to go and TP the master piece.  Oh wait, it wasn’t the elf it was the adult who did all that hard work decorating the tree.  Now you have clean that up without breaking any ornaments.  Hope it was worth it.

So I guess mom isn’t going to be going anywhere or doing any shopping today.  Can’t make it to Target for groceries because we can’t touch the elf who has hijacked the purse.  Nice.

Are you kidding me with this?  First, I really hope whatever crazy person did this taped elf to the potty.  Because the likelihood that he is going to fall into the toilet is pretty high.  Second, this is obviously the toddler’s bathroom.  How is he supposed to go potty without touching the elf?!  Put on a diaper today, sweetheart, because god forbid we disturb the elf. So much for all that potty training success.

This is insanity.  Please tell me that the mom who did this (at 11:00 p.m.) also made a batch of regular pancakes for the next morning.  Otherwise she went to a lot of trouble to make two dozen tiny pancakes…for two seconds of fun and a photo op.

Absolutely not.  You seriously went to the trouble to print out pictures of your elf and covered up pictures of your precious family with said elf?  This looks like a shrine to the elf.  No.

What in the world was this person thinking?!  Not only do you have a huge, sugary mess to walk around all day long but a huge mess to clean up when you would rather be reading a book in bed.  And do you see how some of the sugar has fallen down into the cracks of the floor?  Next summer when you question the ant infestation in your house think back to this ridiculous decision as you are writing a check to the exterminator.

Okay, this one I like.

If you are into this craziness, then more power to you.  As for me and my house we will stick to the elf Bermuda Triangle of mantle, piano, Christmas tree, mantle, piano, Christmas tree.

Have fun cleaning up your messes.