If February were a Miss America contest then Arctic Weather is the winner. Texas is standing there with her mouth hanging open as she watches that bitch Arctic Weather take the crown and bouquet of roses. Texas is looking around at the judges and screaming WTF?! as mascara runs down her face. She’s doing the ugly cry. Meanwhile, Oklahoma is the third runner up…but she’s used to it. She watches Texas with her arms crossed, rolling her eyes and muttering to Louisiana that she has power outages too.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m worried about the trouble Texans are in. It is seriously alarming and they are in my daily prayers. But what else can I do but sit here and watch the icicles melt outside the window?
We have had our fair share of ice cold heart ache. A frozen water heater put my water boiling skills to the test and stretched the limits of dry shampoo this past week.
(Side note re: dry shampoo…I have tired at least a dozen brands of dry shampoo in my life. Everything from inexpensive $3 brands to I-can’t-believe-I’m-paying-thirty-dollars-for-this-small-can brands. What I’ve learned is that nothing beats the homemade method of cornstarch and cocoa powder.)
Back to Snowmageddon. What it all comes down to is this: houses and infrastructure in the south and southwest are not built to withstand temperatures that should stay north of Kansas. Home builders don’t insulate attic pipes, cities don’t own enough snowplows to clear streets on the daily like they do in Minneapolis, water heaters are installed in garages because it typically doesn’t get below freezing in the garage much less negative 14. Texas didn’t spring for the winterized upgrade package for their wind turbines because it was never a concern before this week. Natural gas lines aren’t buried as deep as they are in Michigan because who ever heard of the ground temperature reaching 10 degrees below zero anyway?
Obviously, the problem is a lot more nuanced than my simple explanation but you don’t wear stilettos to a construction site.
I think we’ve all learned a good lesson here: the swim suit competition won’t get you anywhere with the judges when Arctic Weather comes to town. But don’t worry, hell hath no furry like a woman scorned. The south is coming for you northern states and we’re bringing Heat Wave with us.
(Today’s programming has been brought to you by Climate Change)