The seventh level of hell – Tween Girl Lockers

Yesterday I saw a post on FB from one of my friends who has a daughter in that precarious age between childhood and teenage-dom.  She was lamenting how she was going all over town to look for decorations for her tween daughter’s locker.  Decorations that included wallpaper, carpet and a chandelier.

Wait.  What?  Carpet and a chandelier?

What new level of insanity is this and how is this even a thing?

Moms  everywhere are nodding in agreement when I say that a plastic shelf and a magnetic mirror were all our options in when it came to locker decor.  The mirror I had wasn’t even a real mirror.  It was a rectangle piece of plastic with a mirror-like film on it that would give you a carnival fun house distorted view of yourself.  The magnetic strips on the back were so weak that if I closed my locker too hard it would fall off and clatter around inside.  Maybe if you wanted to get really fancy you would tape up a NKOTB centerfold from Teen Beat magazine.

As soon as I realized that this is an actual thing that middle school girls do I took myself to Pinterest to see the crazy.  I’ve compiled a smattering of pins for your viewing pleasure.

Shag carpet for your locker.  I’m not joking, this is real.  “COOL Rug for your School Locker!”  Oh good, this is the COOL rug.  Wouldn’t want to mistakenly purchase the DWEEB rug.

You have got to be kidding me.
As soon as your daughter starts calling french fries pommes frites, you might want to reconsider this chandelier and the amount of bling she is accessorizing with.

For the gal who wants to keep the party going.  I know what you’re thinking; you don’t get the full effect of a disco ball unless it has a spot light on it.  Oh, don’t worry your pretty little head because it comes with a light to shine on it.  Now if we can figure out how to stream in the BeeGees every time the door opens.

Oh sweet Jesus, please make it stop.  Is there a commode in there because it looks like you should be able to do more than just store you books and gym bag.

Yes, that is a tiny curtain at the top.  However, upon closer inspection it is just a card stock cut out.  Moms, if your tween is going to make it through 7th grade with her social status intact you better get your shit together and make her a real curtain out of real coordinating fabric with real fringe.  This ain’t amature hour.  Go big or go home.

Okay, that’s pretty cute.  Remember Lindsey Lohan from Mean Girls?  When she was still a treasure and before she became a coked out skank?  This is that girl’s locker.  The quirky, smart, artsy girl who boys ignore in middle school but will discover is really a knock out in 10th grade.

I feel like I’ve entered some strange dimension where lockers have turned into swanky night clubs.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see a tiny Christina Aguilera in one of those lockers doing some sort of burlesque review.  Thankfully, I have been assured by my mom friends with older girls and from my high school teacher friends that this fad is over by high school.  That is the relief of the century because I don’t want to know what level high school girls could take this to.

If there are any moms of tween girls reading this…I’m sorry.  The thought of buying a chandelier for my daughter’s locker is more than I can bear.  Bless you sister and may you find peace in the 9th grade.  Let’s all take a moment and say a prayer for these women that they will make it through the middle school years with their sanity intact.  For all you moms of boys out there (like myself) let’s just give each other a virtual fist bump because we don’t have to deal with this brand of crazy.